#healing

I visited Bodh Gaya in India this past January. It was a pilgrimage to learn about how the Buddha attained enlightenment, the place he was born, where he first taught his five disciples, how he passed away, and what happened after. For years, I had been questioning what I was living for, but after visiting Bodh Gaya, that question grew much heavier. I realized that even the Buddha—an extraordinary man—experienced physical pain and eventually passed away. So what am I? Just an ordinary human. After I came back, I found myself feeling deeply unhappy with my freelance work. To make matters worse, some clients had ghosted me, even though I had clearly told them I would be taking two weeks of leave. Instead of trying to find new clients, I took a step back. I just focused on learning new things and tools. (I am a UX Designer, by the way.) Like I said before, my goals in my 20s were simple: work, then travel. Now, in my 30s, my health is not as strong as it used to be, and I find myself worrying more and trying to save money. I work hard now and earn much more money than I did in my 20s, but I am not truly happy. Why? Probably because life experiences have forced me to mature. People used to say that when I smiled, my eyes smiled too. I notice now that my eyes are no longer bright, and they don’t smile anymore. I actually felt like living was meaningless. Am I the only one who feels this way? Since coming back, I have been searching for ways to stay calm and practice mindfulness. I found an eco-mindfulness teacher who taught me how to connect mindfulness with nature, and how nature itself can offer healing. Through this, I figured out that my “wheel of life” was completely out of balance. I also confronted some past trauma that I had been blaming myself for. My teacher introduced me to the concept of Ikigai, “The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life.” Now, I am actively trying to discover what will truly give me fulfillment and happiness. Last week, my partner and I went for a short hike on a mountain near Chiang Mai. We were lucky enough to forage some bamboo shoots and even found wild mangoes in the forest. I also collected some plants with beautiful leaf patterns. I realized in that moment that I felt genuinely happy, even though my body ached and my legs were in pain. And then it hit me: maybe life is worth living just to experience these kinds of things. I need to keep finding out what those moments are for me—not only in my daily life moments, but also in finding a sustainable career that makes me happy. What about you? Those of you who are in your 40s and 50s might have experienced this kind of thing, and I would love to hear about it. Have you found your path?